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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Next up is this lady, let’s call her Rasa. She’s got a million stories. She starts talkin’ about her cat, and I’m like, “Cool, cool.” But then she goes off about how her cat is the reincarnation of her grandma. I’m tryin’ not to laugh, but it’s hard, man. I’m just nodding along, like, “Yeah, totally makes sense.”

A Fun Day Out at the Other Chernobyl